| Family |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|11:24 pm] |
There are a handful of things i've been wanting to write about, and since it's Blogging for LGBT Families Day i thought i'd better tonight! i echo what many, many other people have already said, but here goes: seven weeks ago, i was lucky enough to become a mother. 11.5 years ago, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) hopemcg and i began our relationship. 5.5 years ago we had our wedding with friends and family present. almost 4 years ago, we had our civil union in vermont. and almost 4 months ago, we were legally married in toronto. when we talk about heterosexual privilege in a class i teach, there is always a rather large handful of students who do not realize that queer folks can't legally get married but for a few places in the U.S. and when i explain that as a non-VT resident our civil union is just a piece of paper and a nice memory, and that it holds no legal power for us outside of VT, some are shocked. when i explain that thanks to Issue 1, my legal marriage in canada means jack squat in ohio, most of my students sympathize, and all of them understand the inequity, even if they disagree.
Hope and I have taken a variety of steps to show the world we are committed to each other. and these events have been personally meaningful as well. we love each other, and shortly after ten years together, we decided to take steps to add to our family. In preparation for trying to conceive, we filed paperwork that gave each other power of attorney, and that showed intent that I be legally allowed to make decisions for any children we may have. We had to make a contract with our known donor and his partner to also show the intent of all of us that Hope and I would be the parents of any children we had. Our donor relinquished his paternal rights and we relinquished our right to sue him for child support and the like. This document, however, is not legally binding, and if challenged, a judge /could/ decide i have no right to see my child.
The fact that i am a legal stranger to my daughter is completely unnerving, and i'm not sure if straight folks get this [except for my IRL and internet friends reading this, who i think do get it]. This is a huge reason for me changing my surname in February-so all three of us would have the same last name-and so at least on paper, i would appear to be, no questions asked, a parent to my child. at the time some people said to me that lots of children have names different from their parents, for a whole host of reasons, which is true, of course. but it's different if you're an LGBT parent. which brings me to another thing--although, yes, our family resembles straight ones in oodles of ways [we have a newborn, we are sleep-deprived, we think about time in terms of how long it's been since the kid has eaten, it takes us 30 minutes to get out of the house, etc.] we are not the same as straight families. We /do/ deserve the same legal protections, but I do not want to become invisible under the "we're the same as you" rhetoric.
So before we left the hospital with our baby, we had to fill out the info for the birth certificate. We deliberated on it for several days, long enough for the nurses to begin to harass us for the paperwork. We suddenly could not remember what other folks had suggested writing in the "father" section as it pertained to the fact that there was indeed a donor, but no "father." So, we just decided to hell with it, and wrote in all of my info. Left the word "father" in the little boxes, and decided it was worth having an FBI file created (or added to) for me/us if 1.) some nitwit was/is working the day it gets processed and doesn't notice my feminine first name until it's too late or 2.) a family or family-friendly type happens to get our paperwork and files it to subvert the dominant paradigm. heh. i have only about 1% of hope of either of those things happening, but i'm willing to fight with the county/state about this for a while....if only to drum up some publicity and a good story on news channel four, where i'd hope to be interviewed by either cabot or colleen, and preferably both.
I currently live in a state where I cannot legally adopt my own child--and i'm not sure which is more insulting-that i cannot or that i have to in the first place. Moving somewhere where this can happen is on our list of possibilities, but that also means moving away from our families of origin and choice, and the friends we have made in the 10 years we have been in columbus.
It makes me fucking crazy to have to worry about all of this in the first place. Back in fall 2004, a little election was held where crap and more crap happened. that quarter, i was observing a class about lesbian cultures, in preparation for me teaching it the following year. We were so hopeful pre-election, and the prof gave the class the day off on election day so people could go help others get to the polls, etc. when the class met again 2 days post-election, we did not discuss readings, and instead processed, vented and cried. it's truly remarkable to feel quite personally the results of an election, where the majority of voters voted against you as a person. i'm so tired of feeling like that, and i'm so tired of the morality-disguised-as-public-policy bullshit that's been going on for the past 6 years.
I am so happy that so many people made posts for LGBT Families Day. I hope folks who need to read these entries, who need to see us as real, do so. I hope folks resistant to LGBT families do not make up a ton of excuses that diminish the relationships we have been forced to cultivate on our own, with no support from the heterosexist public. Creating a family and sustaining its happiness is hard enough. Trying to do that, and succeeding, while dealing with homophobia is something to be commended. |
|
|
